Helplessness clutches at my heart. Like the voice of a thousand swine, it screams in my head. A call beckoning unto insanity.
Most times, I grasp my head, my eyes shut to visions my heart can't bear. I try to muffle the noise and try to scream but my voice lets out hush sounds.
A few times I have let my petitions ring, with tears beseeching the great guy that transcends the law. I have hurled these words, weaving them intricately into the mass that separates our worlds.
Nothing must go wrong with him!
He is my world. A chance at peace.
A mend to my brokenness;
My blessing
Each plea clothed as broken whispers, tells the story of a discordant heart. I have cried an ocean!
Other times, I wallow in thoughts and find myself astride mutters: If only I can hold, maybe wrap my arms around him, share the same air, curl around his torso, and just breathe.
This doing nothing tears at me! Brick after brick, it pulls down walls of possibility and makes a mockery of the hope I try to hold on to.
Yet, as the script that instructs our lungs to take in air; written on our walls, engrafted into law, the rule remains:
To save him, stay away
So each day, I grasp at every bit of hope. The smile that spreads across your face during our FaceTime feeds the ember of my hope, but this too like ice left under the sun, never last. As soon as the embers lick at my doubt, bouts of cough that had you bowed over rip me apart. And when with shaking fingers you click on the disconnect key, I go through this cycle again.
Truth is I will choose this again than lose you
