Dear Tunde,

I have done the most terrible thing ever. Please don't say I love you, Janie. Don't offer your love this time. This time, it won't dispel my darkness. I have gone too far, Tuns.

Please, stay away! It will kill me to see the hurt in your eyes. To watch disgust cloud your eyes. The thought of this aches unbearably, it will drive me to death. Tuns, this time and maybe for the last time, I will let this note say all I that has happened:

I met a man, Tuns. He was heaven and flavors. My heart danced at the thought of him! And at the sight of him, I became molten. Like rains that come rushing down from the open heavens without hesitation, I fell! It was beautiful, surreal, and a delight. So, I kept it! Away from everyone! I feared that if I whispered it, he will be taken away.

Oh! It was almost impossible holding the spill. There were days when I nearly combust from the need to sing songs of his name, and just tell you that 'I found him' but the need to keep him a while longer was stronger, so I sealed my lips and pour my heart into writing poetry.

When he touched me, the air cracked and fire poured from our pores. How does anyone keep away from something as beautiful as this? I embraced his touch and smothered him with mine. Over and over again, we made the earthquake and our world rocked to rhythms our heart beats.

A day came, Tunde. Not quite long and I had to let go because he did first. I hurt Tuns! There is no comparison to the pain that grease my heart! Darkness engulfed me and I lost my way. So my body caved in! At least that was what I thought when the first bout of a sick wave hit. It turned out that I was wrong. I was pregnant according to the doctor's report.

I had thought him letting go was the darkest there could ever be. Another wrong! The knowledge that a child grows in me was annihilating. So I took it out. Without thoughts but with fear laced into my mind. Fear of stigmatization, breaking my parent's heart, losing face... These fears drove me to snuff life out of my child. I hurt the one I should protect fiercely.

Tuns, I am changed. I am surprised at who I have become. Daily, I hold court with myself trying to persuade myself that I did the right thing. It wasn't even a child yet! I am not ready! It is better not to bring a child in than neglect them! Yet, I shrink from myself in disgust and ache for what I have lost.

When it becomes too much, I draw strength from saying to myself: " Janie, all these stir from your religious upbringing! This is the 21st century! " It doesn't hold me together but maybe if I keep repeating it, it might...

Nasa